Monday, April 04, 2005

Don't know whether I was the boxer or the bag - oh yeah...

I've been on a Pearl Jam kick lately. Go me.

It's almost 5am, and I'm wide awake. This is a troubling trend as I will soon be working days. I was recently promoted to ass. man. at the music store I work in, which means a lot of opening gigs. I sometimes forget there is a 9am, as well as a 9pm. Soon, that shall not be the case. More hours means more money which is good, but - well, work... meh...

I just watched The Matrix: Reloaded. I was going to watch Revolutions as well, but seeing as I should likely get my ass to bed soon, it will have to wait until tomorrow night. I didn't think this one was as bad as most people had lead me to believe, but it wasn't nearly as good as the first lead me to hope. The ending nearly ruined the whole thing for me. Love. Pftt - screw that noise. I would so have let her die. That'll learn her to break a promise.

Seriously though - love blows. The Matrix: Reloaded does not blow as much as love does.

Keanu Reeves is a hot mother fucker though, isn't he? *sigh*

Oh the joy of being 22 and jaded and bitter. How cool am I? I should be sitting in a cafe somewhere dressed in black wearing too much eyeliner scrawling tortured poetry into a dingy notebook. I'd be the coolest chick on the block, but I wouldn't care, so whatev! That isn't the case though. I'm not even the coolest chick in this room - and I'm alone. Well, aside from Pengui. Pengui is so much cooler than me, but than again, he is a penguin, so I suppose that just makes sense.

April from Newfoundland called tonight. She is cool shit. I miss her like mad! She is thinking about going to school in BC too, so we talked about getting an apartment together. The only thing is, she doesn't want to go in September. She wants to be home in Halifax for a while before she takes off again. That makes sense, but it kind of makes me wonder what I should do. I doubt I could afford a place on my own until she's ready to come out. I could wait and we could go next year, but I'm not really sure I can stand another year in this shit hole. It's just so frustrating to be around so many small minded people - with small dreams and small ideas. I don't fit in to any of this.

The worst part is not being able to write anymore. There has never been a time in my life when I have gone more than a month without being able to write something - be it a short story or a poem of some sort. I have finished ten chapters of a book, but I can't get any further. I'm stuck.

Would it be different if I were somewhere else?

I went to BC because I hoped it would help. I needed to feel alive again - and while I was there I did. I have never felt worse than the first morning I woke up back in my bed after having been gone for a week. I wrote while I was gone, but being back - there is nothing.

I need to write. It's what I've always known was for me. When I was in grade two my teacher told my mother I was going to be an author. I have never questioned that. In fact - I heard that many times throughout school. But here I am - and I'm scared it's not going to happen.

I'm a writer that can't write. Not much call for that these days I hear.

I'm going to go cry in the corner now. Someone come get me when being emo is cool again.


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